Njengoba omunye angase acabange, ayikho impendulo ecacile nelula kulo mbuzo omdala. Okubalulekile ukuzama ukuthola ukuthi ngabe izingane zingcono yini ekhaya lapho umama nobaba bengathokozi ndawonye kodwa begcina umndeni uhambile noma emizini emibili lapho umama nobaba bejabule kakhulu kodwa hhayi ndawonye.
Izingozi Zokuhlala Ndawonye
Ochwepheshe abaningi bomzali babona enye yezingozi ezinkulu ezinganeni zokuhlala emndenini ogcwele intukuthelo, ukukhungatheka, nobuhlungu ukuthi bafunda amakhono amabi okubeletha abazoqhubeka nawo esizukulwaneni esilandelayo.
Abazali abangakwazi ukusebenzisana nomphakathi ngokuphikisana noma abaphikisana nezinqumo zomzali womunye umhlobo oyisibonelo esingenakusebenza nokulimaza.
Ngaphezu kwalokho, ezinye izingane zingasengozini yokunganakwa lapho abazali beboshwe ezinkingeni zabo. Ukunganaki kungase kube ngokomzimba (ukungathathi isikhathi sokudla okunempilo noma ukuthukuthela kangangokuthi abazali bahlolisise ngokubeletha) noma ngokomzwelo (abazali ngeke bahambe ndawonye ezenzakalweni ezibalulekile ingane noma bangase bazame ngabanye ukuhlukanisa ingane kusukela omunye umzali).
Uma abazali bengakwazi ukuhlala ndawonye ekhaya elifanayo ngaphandle kokusebenza ngokuphumelelayo njengabazali-co-parents, futhi uma lokho kubambisana kungcono kube nokuhlala emakhaya ahlukene, lokho kungaba yinkomba eyodwa yokuthi ukwehlukaniswa kungaba yindlela engcono.
Ukubaluleka kokuhlala ndawonye
UJudith Wallerstein, umbhali we- The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce , uyaqiniseka, ngokususela ekucwaningweni kwakhe, ukuthi izingane zihlala zingcono kangcono uma umndeni uhlala unomthelela, ngisho noma abazali bengasekho othandweni.
Uma umama nobaba bengakwazi ukuhlala ndawonye futhi basebenze ndawonye kumzali, noma ngabe badabukile noma banesizungu, futhi bangakugwema ukuveza izingane ukuba zilwe futhi ziqhekeke, bese kubambisana ndawonye ngaphansi kophahla olufanayo kungcono. Futhi ngenkathi ukubeletha ngokucacile ukuzidela kwezingane zakho, ukuhlala emshadweni odabukisayo iminyaka eyishumi noma ngaphezulu kungase kube lula ukubuza.
Ucwaningo lwaseWallerstein lwathola ukuthi imiphumela yesehlukaniso kubantwana, futhi ikakhulukazi kulaba bantwana abakhulela ekukhuleni, kuyabuhlungu kakhulu ngokomzwelo ukuthi abazali kufanele bahlale ndawonye cishe noma yiziphi izindleko. Ngokombono wakhe, umshado ugcinwe ndawonye izingane, kungcono kunesehlukaniso engcono kakhulu.
Indlela Yokunquma?
- Ingabe kukhona ukuhlukunyezwa? Ngokuvamile, ochwepheshe bokubeletha bayavuma ukuthi izingane akufanele zigcinwe emndenini lapho kuqhutshwa ukuxhashazwa kwanoma yiluphi uhlobo. Ukuhlukaniswa kufanele kuholele uma ingane ihlala nomzali ohlukumeza ngokocansi, ngokomzimba noma ngokomzwelo. Nakuba kucacile ukuthi ukuziphatha okuhlukumezayo kungashintshwa futhi kulungiswe, kubuye kucace ukuthi izinguquko ezinjalo zivame kakhulu. Kukhona amacala lapho umzali okhubazayo angathola usizo, afunde amakhono okubeletha angcono futhi ashintshe ukuziphatha kwawo okuhlukumezayo, futhi kulawo mathuba, ukuhlukaniswa kungase kube ngokuhlelekile. Kodwa uma ukuziphatha kungashintshi, izingane zingcono ukuvikelwa ekuhlukunyezweni.
- Ingabe abazali bangabambisana? Enye yezindaba ezibalulekile ukuthi abazali bangavuma yini ukubeka ukwaneliseka komshado wabo ngokubamba ngenxa yezingane. Kuyindlela ephakeme kodwa ngobuqotho, yilokho esikusayina khona uma sinquma ukuba abazali. Ngakho-ke, uma abazali benesimo sokuvuthwa esidingekayo ukubeka izingane kuqala, ukubambisana ngokubambisana nokugcina ukungezwani kwabo ngenxa yezingane, bayoba nenzuzo uma umama nobaba behlala ndawonye. Uma kungenjalo, izingane zingase zithuthukiswe kangcono ngokusebenzisa isahlukaniso esihle.
- Ingabe umshado ungalungiswa? Mhlawumbe umbuzo obaluleke kunazo zonke ukuthi ngabe umshado usuye wahlaselwa kangangokuthi awunakwenzeka. Ingabe lo mbhangqwana ufune usizo oluvela emkhakheni wezokwelapha, umfundisi noma ezinye izinto ezifanayo? Ingabe bobabili umyeni nomkakhe balandela iseluleko esihle? Ingabe kube khona ukungathembeki emshadweni okungakaze kwenziwe futhi kwenziwa imizamo yokwakha kabusha ukwethemba? Ngaphambi kokuhlukanisa nokubekezelela ukucindezeleka okudluleleko ukuthi isehlukaniso sidala, imibhangqwana idinga ukwenza konke okusemandleni abo ukubuyisela isibopho somshado.
Ekugcineni, ngabe umshado ungabuyiselwa futhi wakhiwe kabusha ngenxa yabantwana mhlawumbe umbuzo obaluleke kakhulu. Ukutshalwa kwemali okuphawulekayo ekwakheni isibopho esisha nesinamandla phakathi komama nobaba emndenini ohlangene yilokho okumele kwenzeke, uma kunokwenzeka, ngenxa yezingane.
Uma Ukuhlukaniswa Kungenakugwema
Ucwaningo oluvela ku-E. Mavis Hetherington noJohn Kelly ku- Better or Worse: Ukuhlukaniswa okubuyiselwayo kubonisa ukuthi cishe amaphesenti angu-80 kubo bonke abantwana abazali abahlukanisile bahlala bejabule futhi behlelwa njengabantwana abavela emindenini eqinile, ngakho-ke uma isehlukaniso ne- co- Ukubeletha kahle, izingane zingase zibe ngcono.
Inselele ebalulekile ukuqinisekisa ukuthi bobabili umama nobaba bangasebenza ndawonye ngenxa yezingane ngokubeletha ngokuphumelelayo. Isimo sengqondo nokuzibophezela kwenza inqubo yesehlukaniso ibuhlungu kancane futhi ikwazi ukukhulisa izingane eziphumelelayo kancane.